OK, so I’m giving up… I’ve been sprinting to the doormat every morning since the Royal Wedding was announced – but alas, I am prepared finally to admit that I am not on the invitation list. How Kate and Wills could leave me off is anyone’s guess, but I will have to make do with my TV, Union Jack bunting, and plate of finger sandwiches.

It doesn’t stop me dreaming about what I’d be wearing if I had made the cut – so here is my virtual Royal Wedding shopping list (feel free to steal my ideas if you are heading to Westminster Abbey)…

1. INSTANT TAN
I know these royal types like to jet away to the French Riviera to get a tan for these big events – but sadly I wouldn’t have the funds, nor time to follow them. I imagine my frock would reveal a little flesh (only in the right places, you understand), so I’d need to give it a little boost with some St Tropez Wash Off Instant Glow Body Lotion, £11.52. If you can’t beat them, join them…

2. FLORAL FRAGRANCE
When it comes to fragrance, this wedding calls for something fairly lavish – but overpowering the scent of the flower arrangements is not an option. A floral fragrance works best, which is ideal for warm spring days (keeping fingers crossed for you on that one, Kate) – but it should have a musky base to give it some formality. One of my favourite scents – Chloe Eau de Toilette, from £36.50 – fits the description perfectly.

3. FIRM-HOLD HAIRSPRAY
Events of this nature call for sophisticated up-dos – and I would need a strong hold hairspray to keep locks in place throughout the day and into the evening (I imagine I’d have a waltz with Prince Harry and I wouldn’t want my hair to move an inch). What could be more apt than TIGI Catwalk Your Highness Firm Hold Hairspray, £7.26? I’d buy it for the name alone – the fact it’s so effective is a bonus.

4. NUDE NAILS
I’m into bright nail colours at the moment – but an ultra-formal occasion like the Royal nuptials calls for something a little more serene, so I would opt for a polish in a soft pink or peach. The application needs to be perfect and the finish glossy – I don’t want all those regal types showing me up with their Harvey Nichols manicures… Clarins Glossy Nail Colour in Soft Peach, £10.61 is ideal.

5. TEETH WHITENER
I wouldn’t have long to achieve it, but I’d need my teeth to be sparkling white by the time Kate walked down the aisle. I expect I’d get into the background of a few official photographs (and possibly also the TV coverage) and a yellowing smile would be a real let down. Before heading to the abbey, I’d throw my Swissdent Stain Whitening Brush, £30.64 into my clutch bag to keep teeth looking pearly white throughout the day.